Friday, May 26, 2006

Two Stories from the Front Line of the War on Drugs

As we head into Memorial Day weekend (who am I kidding, it really started about 3pm Wednesday!), let us remember those who have been sacrificed in the War on Drugs.

Two stories -- one taking place right here in Liberty, Maine, and the other in Lower Burrell, Pennsylvania, remind us just how screwed up this drug war really is.

First, a pair of miscreant teenagers in Liberty, Maine were caught by a homeowner who returned home at an unaccustomed hour.

Brett Oathout reportedly arrived at his Boynton Road house in Liberty at approximately 11:30 a.m. Wednesday— -- which was not part of his usual routine -- and found one male near his front door and the other male coming down his stairs.

So he grabbed his trusty baseball bat to keep the criminals at bay, called the police, and headed into his house to see what they'd taken (at which time the teens screwed1). Then the case took an unexpected turn: the teens said they had stolen some weed from Oathout.

Brockway said during a search, Locke was found to be in possession of marijuana that he allegedly took from Oathout's home.

Oathout gave officers permission to search his residence, at which time officers found marijuana. Oathout was then summoned for possession of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Now I'm all for the legalization of all currently controlled substances, and marijuana is no exception. But, if I had contraband in my house (which I do not), I would never give police permission to search it. I guess the guy must be a really heavy user for his brain activity to be so marginal (I don't know him personally). Good thing for him, at least his prospects for cancer are now thought to be diminished.

Our second story from the War on Drugs concerns that most dastardly of all scourges that our nation's children face on the playgrounds: caffeinated gum. Seems a junior high school student received a three day suspension for sharing some with a classmate.

Products acting as a stimulant are prohibited and possessing them is grounds for disciplinary action, [School District Superintendent Amy] Palermo said....

"What if the gum had been given to a student with a heart condition? As a parent, would you want your child to be able to get that type of product?" Palermo said Thursday.

Is it just a coincidence that one of the towns neighboring Liberty is named Palermo? I think it's just another sign of the conspiratorial powers at work here.

Anyway, the school itself is a drug dealer, but only after hours:

The school has soda machines, but they are not turned [sic] during school hours and drinks containing caffeine are not sold in the lunchroom.

Of course, once that last bell rings, on go the machines so the kids can get all the caffeine they need to stay up and do all that homework. Yeah, right. I'm sure they have a monitor right at the vending machines to make sure no student with any possible medical condition that caffeine would adversely affect could possibly purchase any of the evil drug. They can get all the uncaffeinated fruit juice they have money for, tho. Who could deny America's children -- especially the children of Pennsylvania -- all the empty calories they desire? It's not like we have an obesity crisis, or anything.



1Sorry for any misunderstandings that folks who aren't white northeasterners might have about my use of this word. Here, it is used in the sense of leaving in a hurry. You can read more about it at Urban Dictionary.

Linking to: Leaning Straight Up, MacBros' Place, Comedian Jenee: People are Idiots, Woman Honor Thyself